you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
