the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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