Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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