You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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