They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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