And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
