ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
