I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
