just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
