I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
