i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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