she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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