nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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