I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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