apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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