He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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