I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
