I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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