I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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