where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
