He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
