i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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