I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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