I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
