Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
