I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
