I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
