I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
