I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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