dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
