we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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