If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
