my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
