Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize