Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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