My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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