my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
