I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
