The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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