her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
