I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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