you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
