who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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