If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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