Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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