i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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