never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize