Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The air was thick with penises
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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