erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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