my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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