maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
