that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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