She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
