shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
