nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
