i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
